Just One More Baby?
Living in excess. Is it a personality type? If you find yourself always wanting one more pair of shoes, are you also one to want “just one more” of anything else you enjoy-chips, friends, babies? I, personally, couldn’t give a crap about shoes (yes, there are women out there that aren’t obsessed). Something chocolate? Much harder for me to turn down. And babies? Oh man, don’t get me started! I’m forever wanting just one more baby.
My theory is that if you are a women that has a really hard time walking away from a cookie tray if it has your favorite kind on it, and you’re crazy about babies, you probably have a hard time saying “Last one. For real.” Okay. So my theory is not based on large group studies by any means. It’s a single case study. It’s me. But, I know I’m not the only one with more than a few kids, who finds it coming up in conversation quite often, the wish for another baby to snuggle. Luckily for my worn out body, husband, and most dependable sitter (my own mommy), I am surgically incapable. This actually is a good thing for me, too. I get the urge, know it can’t happen, and blame it on the tubes. I don’t have to concentrate on the fact that I’m older than dirt, not in the best shape, way too tired, and there would be a daddy-shaped hole in the front door if I even asked. It doesn’t stop me from thinking about it, though. A lot.
But, why? Why would I want to get up every hour through the night again? Have someone else own my boobs, feeling like I’m tied to the house, because nursing in public? – not a big deal to me. Chasing after the other kids during a session is not so fun, however. Why prolong my years of diaper changing, clipping finger and toenails, dressing, bathing, getting snotted and barfed and shit on? Having everything revolve around an every two hours nap schedule? For all of the years these things are extended, it doesn’t stop there. It will take more time to escape running around all night to activities, scheduling play dates, and for the love of #@*<, stepping on Legos. It’s that much longer until I can take a nap on a quiet day, eat whatever Jackpot and I agree on for any meal, and only have ourselves to clean up after.
Why? Because I find it just as hard to resist my own offspring as I do a Chick-Fil-A chocolate chip cookie. Actually, harder. I am absolutely addicted to them. I want to smush their cheeks, and give them thousands of kisses and cuddles, and talk to them and hear their sweet voices respond. All before breakfast. I want to feed them, and teach them, and play with them, and learn from them. I love the process of this from day 1. But, you only get one day 1. So, if you’re going to enjoy it all over again, you have to start at the beginning again. When that’s what you want, and you no longer can, it can become a subject that brings on sadness, instead of joy.
What to do? Depends on who you ask. Like-minded, and hearted, people will share stories. This can be very helpful to know you’re not necessarily crazy to be a little sad you can’t have 20 kids. Most people, though, will tell you you’re lucky to have the ones you do, as if you don’t already know that!, and move on. They often will remind you of those not as lucky as yourself, who were never able to have all, if any, of the children they wanted. I am very aware of this reality. On my least hormonal days I have cried for these women, even strangers, hearing their story. When it’s dear friends, the sadness comes with more than a little guilt. Others are very helpful and tell you that you can watch their baby any time. Problem is, while I do find other babies cute, I’m not just a “I need to hold that baby” kind of gal. I want my own schmoopies to nurture, cuddle and love. No offense to your babies. I’m sure they’re great. Just not as good as mine. 😉
So is this just my personality type? My need for more? The thing that makes one Hershey’s kiss, one handful of popcorn, or one beer, just not enough – is it to blame? I honestly think that does have something to do with it. But, not all. There’s something about moving on to the next chapter in your life. Wrapping up the baby-making biz for good forces you to concentrate on all that comes next. For a person who struggles with anxiety issues, this is a major bitch of a prospect standing in front of me. This next chapter in my book involves watching my children grow up, and eventually away from me. Yes, it’s happening whether I have a new baby to hold or not. But, it’s so much more focused now. My empty nest days are coming sooner than if I had kept the baby factory open. This is much harder to face than the idea, let’s say, of no more Chick-Fil-AÂ cookies.
 I must adjust. I must become comfortable in my new normal. Because my normal is always crazy enough. And if this blog makes it, and I’m still doing it years from now, the day I post that my last baby has moved out, I expect all of you to send me lots of chocolate. After all, that’s what friends are for.
How many kids would be your perfect number?
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I never had the urge for billions of babies, but my three still hold the same crazy obsession in my heart that all parents have. A love never to be fully understood and appreciated by those kids, (or anyone without kids) until they too have kids of their own. You mean, would I lay die my life in an instant for this child? You bet your ass I would. And as a Grandparent!? I can’t imagine, offspring of my offspring?! Holy crap!!
I will tell you though, that I have moved on to the next phase. My babies are grown. My daughter actually took the next steps and moved out already! GAH! It kills me every day. Not only did she move out, she chose to move 2,445 miles across the country from me. This is how many miles away that my Find Friends app tells me she is. Instead of seeing her every day now as I have for the last 22 years, I see her only a few times a year, and then only after careful planning and much money spent. The only part about this that makes is all ok is that she’s living her own adventure, becoming an adult in her own way. Really we want that for them don’t we? I think so….. AND she still needs me, misses me and cries when we have to part ways.
I went through a crazy weird depression phase when she told us she was moving. I came to the realization that the love I have for my kids is exactly what I said before: A love that they won’t understand until they have kids of their own. Yep, sorry, not to depress the heck out of you, but they want to grow up and be individuals. They want to do it on their own and not need you so much anymore. And not only that, but sometimes I’m the annoying parent that embarrasses them and maybe isn’t as smart as them. But I want to be needed!! I want to be their BFF for eternity! This was not easy for me to accept.
Is it possible that I love my kids more than they love me? Well I sure hope not, but assuming they do love me every bit as much, then what it comes down to is that it’s really just a different kind of love. Someday (hopefully) they will have children of their own that will become their “everything in the world” and they will gain a glimpse into the life that has been mine. The all consuming and fierce love and protectiveness that comes with being a parent.
And here’s where the really great part is. Throughout all of this, their journey through life, their need to be an individual, their trials and troubles, I will have been there every step of the way. Supporting, loving and guiding (because I really am smarter :P) And they WILL always need me and love me and want me in their lives, just as I will always need my mommy and daddy.
I know I have many years to get where you are because I’ve started so late in life. Everyone tells you how fast it goes, and even if KNOW that, it’s totally different feeling it. An empty nest seems right around the corner, even though it’s many years away. Who knows, with 4 the odds are that I’ll have at least one that I’m trying to push out the door at 30! For now,though, I will continue my crave for babies, while smothering the ones I have with my usual mix of screams and cuddles. When they no longer want to cuddle, I may end up with a house full of dogs,again. I probably need a hobby,right? Pathetic.
I understand what you are saying but take it from a Mom that has grown children it will be ok. The different phases that you and your children will go through will be so much fun! And like Audry said she was right there with them the whole time. Both of my children are grown, married and have children of their own (Grandbabies are even better than your own babies) and they still need me, just differently than before. Relax and enjoy the ride, because you are correct it will fly by!
Thank you for that! I just need more reminders of all else there is besides “babytime” since that’s been all I’ve known for the last almost 8 years. I think other moms feeling that urge,too, also need to remember all the things that make it not so much a party every day.:) There are definitely moments when I’d much rather have a conversation with a cookie than with my offspring. Take the bad with the good and enjoy the ride. Oh, and hope I don’t experience the wonderful feeling of being a grandma for at LEAST 15 years!
Try not to spend too much energy and time on what it will be like when they take all that love and confidence in who they are (because of you and jackpot) to be who they will be, on their own. I’m in purgatory of sorts. My daughters home but in college and working. My son’s a junior in high school, working and galavanting the rest of the time (if he’s not sleeping). I find myself picking paint colors for their rooms when they leave dishes in the sink or put a wet towel in their hamper (why God why?!) and on the verge of tears when I rush home to make their favorite dinner only to find out they’re working late. I have one huge regret about when they were little and that is that I really prioritized the house being and staying clean. It was way more important to me than it should have been. Not only did I miss out on a lotta fun, I created slobs! oh how I love those slobs, they are my favorites and I’m not sure what I’ll do when there are no crusty dishes in the sink, no hidden bowls of left over chicken tortilla soup in my sons underwear drawer, no wet towels in the hamper and no one home for dinner when I make they’re favorite. I might order pizza with what I like on it and read a book…sounds like the most glorious, ridiculous(ly awesome), awful and pathetic plan ever!?
I have no doubt I will regret time spent cleaning. It feels non-stop sometimes with the number of mess makers around here. But if it’s not clean I feel overly stressed and anxious (that’s the OCD, so nothing I can easily just “get over” as many have suggested to me), leaving me useless to them. I find ways to integrate cleaning and play, and keeping up really makes it easier. I’ve been kind of surprised by the reaction to this post. This really started because I was feeling bummed and out of sorts not having another baby after 2 years, as is my maximum spacing! I talked to other moms who get that and thought it was a real “thing”. I love seeing the directions these posts can take off in with others sharing what they feel about it. Does any of that make sense?
Hi! Stopping by from Mom Bloggers Club. Great blog!
Have a nice day!
Thank you!
This is so so so true!!! I think from the time each of mine turned 4 months, I was like, WHEN can we have another?! I think I’m obsessed, really, with being pregnant, birth, nursing, everything. I never want to stop!!
I had to surgically stop myself. I knew I had a problem when after baby #2 I started hiding the newborn stuff when they were done with it so my husband wouldn’t ask when I was giving it away. I needed to keep it until I knew he’d be ready to discuss having another. We had such a tiny house then. You’d be amazed what can fit under a crib, hidden by the bed skirt!
I get baby hungry fairly soon after having a baby too. We started potty training my 5th today though, and there are definitely some phases that I will be happy to never repeat. I agree that having your own babies to cuddle is WAY better than someone else’s baby. There is something magical about knowing that you can make that little human stop crying when no one else can. Make’s me want to snuggle a baby just thinking about it! Good thing we have another one on the way!
Congratulations! I’m jealous and relieved it’s not me at the same time. 🙂 I have felt very close to, and could not get enough of, my younger brothers and my nieces. That’s as close as the feeling could get to my own. I don’t mind holding other people’s babies. I actually enjoy it. But not for hours! There’s a huge difference between baby-crazy, and crazy for your own babies!
Hi Tina,
It’s good to hear other women talk about this feeling because it feels so crazy, one moment I feel like I’m so done with baby phase and the next moment thinking we could do this one more time. I have two beautiful boys, but the thought of maybe trying for a girl crosses my mind regularly. My husband says if I ever want to go on vacation again, just two kids. We will see. Thank you for your frankness and humor on this weird feeling!
Lucky for me I didn’t have a lot of time, so if I was going to do it, it was now! Started out late with my 2nd husband, so I just cranked out 4 really quick! We never had the youngest get to even 18 months before I was pregnant with the next. The last, who is now 2 & 1/2, would have been an only child if he came first!! 🙂 You’ll know if it’s right!
They’re totally like potato chips! Always gotta have more- as I’m telling my hubby time for number 2!
I’m always curious why you don’t often hear about the daddy begging for one more. I’m sure that’s for another post!
This is so true! My twins are not even two and my heart skips a beat ever time I see or hear a newborn nearby! I am one exhausted mama right now, but I wouldn’t totally mind if an “accident” happened 😀
Tha accident wish! I’ve had this discussion with some other moms, like well, if it wasn’t my fault…. 🙂 After surgery, though, it would take an act of God to be one of those rare occurances of failure for me. As much as I think about what if?, I know my body just couldn’t do anymore. I still wish I would’ve bottled that smell of their newborn heads!