What is it about becoming a mom that makes you lose your ability to keep it together? Okay, I’ll be fair. It may just be me. Nope. It’s a lot of you. I know this. Because you’ve told me, or I see you trying to fake it. Even more comforting are those that don’t even try to hide it. Then there are those that actually DO have it all together, never seem frazzled, and make it look easy. I hate them. No I don’t. This describes a few moms I know, and they’re very nice about the fact that they get it all done in a day, without looking like they lost her mind. But I am no longer like them, and I want to know why. So I thought I’d look back and figure out where it was that I lost the ability to think and do anything at the same time. You know, got mommy brain.
Are we destined for mommy brain?
I wasn’t always “flighty”, by any means. If you read my About Me page, you may remember that I used to be (well, I’m claiming that I was) fairly smart, and now I get out of the shower having shaved only one leg because 2 was apparently too many to keep track of. By my twenties, I could still feel that I was armed in a battle of wits, but memory was sliding. I blamed this on recreationally killing brain cells when I was younger. I was even able to make it through college while working a job and a half, planning my first wedding, and buying and partially remodeling a house. In my thirties, the fog was really settling in. I had horrible blood sugar control for the first half of that decade, so that explained some of it. I spent the entire second half of my thirties, and the first couple years of my forties, pregnant and nursing. Hormones can wreak havoc on the brain!
So far, plenty of good (although not always legal) reasons for brain slippage. But why is this so connected to how my day operates? Why am I finding it harder and harder to function as not just a mother and unpaid housekeeper, but as a gosh darn human being? And am I the only one feeling their grasp slipping so far out of reach? Is “mommy brain” a real thing? And what in the world brought this up? Sure, you may not care what’s behind the ideas for my posts, but sometimes I feel like I want to take you on the full ride.
What’s with the pants?
I was in the van on my way somewhere important. Or not important at all. It’s hard to tell, and depends on who you ask. The key point is that I was frazzled, as always, because I thought I would be late – I NEVER used to be late! I was driving away from the house as I went over the checklist in my head, making sure I had everything I needed. The checklist ideally should be done before leaving the house, but again, times have changed. I had my keys,obviously, even though for a moment I was unsure. Wallet in purse? Pretty sure I hadn’t taken it out for anything. Blood tester and glucose or candy in case of a low? Yes. Chapstick? Never leave home without one in every pocket or compartment. Normal shoes on instead of the horrible old slip-ons that have the back smushed down that sit just outside the door to house from garage in case I need to step out for a second and we don’t wear shoes in the house and I’ve left one too many times in these – grocery store, church, and family outings? I realized I didn’t even need to look down, I would have had to put regular shoes on, because the crappy shoes were drying out back. I had been watering plants in the front yard before leaving and accidentally hosed everything from the waist down. The shoes went out back, and I had to get out of my socks and pants and OH MY GOD am I even wearing pants? Frightful half a second while I glanced down, because I realized right there that if I had actually left the house without pants on, I was throwing in the towel. I give up. Somebody else can have this mom job of mine, because I can’t even keep myself clothed! Thankfully, I had them on, and made a mental note that maybe I should carry a spare pair in the trunk. Along with some shoes, a bra (missed that one more times than I’d like to admit), and my life-saving, you know, chapstick.
Will I ever be smart again?
So I had a plan (that I just remembered now, by the way, so mission un-accomplished <— I think I just found the title to my memoirs) for travel. But what about all the rest that feels like it’s constantly falling apart? I used to have a fairly immaculate house. Now, when I give it the white glove test (I’m a bitch of a boss), I always feel like firing myself. I have sympathy cards and thank you notes that sit in my outgoing file for a month. I stopped finding the joke funny about stay-at-home moms not getting a shower every day about 5 years ago, when it became the norm. Where did I lose it? Do all of us lose it at the same age, same schedule, same number of kids? That’s it! Baby #4. My point of no return. When now the house is clean once a day for a total of 10 minutes and if you miss it, we’re slobs. When if a bill is not on auto-pay (damn you whoever doesn’t offer that!) I may be a day late. And a dollar short, as the saying goes, because I didn’t have time to update the budget. When weekly craft day for the kids becomes monthly, or less. When my van is always in a state of needing to be washed. When the kids are reminding me that they showed me the hole in their stuffed animal that needs to be sewn 3 weeks ago. When I started feeling like a slacker. And it’s all down-hill from here. The kids after-school activities will increase. I will have 4 teenagers to get to practices, games, and jobs (Jackpot will be helping, of course!). This blog will have blown up and be taking 40 hours a week to maintain. Right. Here’s hoping!
Do I just accept it?
Looks like this is my life. My wonderful, crazy, spending way too much time cuddling with my kids life. Maybe I’ll just lower my expectations of myself. Wait. Did I just meet me? But I need to try harder to try less, if that makes sense. Fewer worries about if my house is clean to my standards. Fewer worries if I have a stack of paperwork waiting on me. (Just so you know, now I’m hyper-ventilating.) I’ve obviously already let go of my appearance. I could seriously stand to get in a fight with some hair dye right now. I should be able to let other things slip a little, right? Concentrate on what’s important. I check on four heartbeats every night before I go to bed. Let that be all that matters.
I had some good therapy for my mommy brain over the last couple of days. Moms standing around talking about losing their wallets, friends saying they, too, are sometimes getting out the door at the last minute, yelling at kids to get their shoes on. I’m not alone. I go to a support group. It’s called school pick-up. Thank you, friends. 🙂
Have you had your worst mom brain moment?
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I’ve definitely had an “am I wearing pants”moments. I’ve also had moments where I forgot something really important and had to reveal to one of those put together parents that I was a clutz because I needed assistance. It was mortifying and I felt like the only parent like that. I’m glad to read I’m not alone though. Lol
I would say it’s the majority of parents! That’s why I always joke that I make it look easy. I make it look probably way too hard. 🙂 But the days of every mom looking like June Cleaver are over. I’m sure moms those days had to be drinking-like, a lot-when nobody was looking!
There was a time years ago when I was suffering with anxiety, situational stupids, and a touch of good ole fashion depression. I had separated from my husband, I was picking up extra work, my mom was dying of cancer and I was house hunting. I was running all the time anyway and it didn’t help that I had to get Dakota into dance classes and Girl Scouts to distract her from what was going to be a divorce (seemed like a good idea at the time)! I resigned myself to going to therapy. I didn’t know what I’d get out of it (if anything) but I knew my suffering was eventually going to compromise my children’s lives and I had to at least try something. I’m not telling you this because I think that’s where you are, I just got something from it that I always remind myself of when I feel I’m dropping the ball or losing my mind. It was cognitive behavioral therapy. I went twice and stopped bc it was exhausting and stressful. I had homework and I had to write down every time I had a negative thought about myself. It seemed stupid bc for all appearances sake and much to my own belief, I was a relatively positive person. We made our way by laughing to keep from crying, it was hard to catch myself and pay attention to how frequently I thought such negative, guilty, hurtful things about myself. I had stacks of post its when I went back. My therapist explained that many mothers wear several hats and juggle several balls at one time to be the best whoever they are for days, weeks, and months. Instead of any ounce of credit to ourselves for how long or how much we make it seem like an effortless labor of love as we do this, we focus on the one ball we dropped or the one time out of 999 that we weren’t at our best. It really made so much sense ( right then and there) that I got script for WellbutrinXR and never went back! The key to my happiness REALLY IS low expectations! I was sure to immediately pass this down to my children so they could be most pleasantly surprised when I didn’t screw up. It’s worked like a well oiled machine ever since.
So the first thing I want to say is the lowering expectations part really hit home, and made me laugh. Did you ever see the Lowered Expectations skits on Mad TV? Well, my better half and I always say we’re now the lowered expectations version of ourselves. Physically we’re certainly lower than when we started dating, but as functioning human beings, we’re just not what we were at all. But, our standards for ourselves have always been way higher than for anybody else. I don’t care, or even really notice, how clean someone else’s house is. I need mine really clean for me. OCD is a bitch, anxieties make it worse, so I feel I run myself in circles. I do find the more that becomes seriously impossible for me to keep up with, I am able to ease up on. Like, if I can’t get it done, I’ll tell myself it must not be possible. I consider that progress. 🙂
I’ve given up at least for a few more months. My husband is deployed for the second time and I knew it would be difficult, but I thought we would pass through without all heck breaking loose. I am just finding I can’t do it all. Just remembering to simple tasks like closing the garage door at night (oh my!) or remembering an appointment requires notes and reminders everywhere. I have never been on top of everything, but lately I feel like and absolute ditz. I had stopped getting together with people, because I just felt lost and embarrassed. Fortunately I have found some really supportive moms and don’t get the sense they are judging me. It helps that they really care about my kids too. So now I am probably oversharing with people, but it is better than the isolation I was feeling. Besides, it gives everyone a good laugh, including me.
Well, you definitely get an extra pass, in addition to the one we should really all be giving ourselves anyway (at least once a day). You are short-handed at home right now, along with your mind and worry being many miles from home. I think we all can function a little better, actually a lot better, if we “allow” ourselves to ask for or accept help. There’s a reason generations of families used to live together – it takes back-up! I know I’m just getting to where I’ve expanded my list of people to turn to. It not only provided help when needed, but an understanding ear. Very important!
Hah! I just love the truth in this post. It means I’m not alone in my craziness and mommy brain. I think the thing that people make fun of the most is my text message replies or emails as I am constantly interrupted while I’m thinking and by the time I hit send I have probably lost the thought. I haven’t had the “am I wearing my pants” moment but have close calls definitely out in public as well!
Ahhh, the texts and emails. I do my very best to not communicate at all on an especially bad brain day. Of course, those are always the days I have to send a kid’s teacher a message. I know they’re like – okay, we’ll take the learnin stuff from here, and please don’t help them with their homework. 🙂
My goodness! The mom brain struggle is so real. This morning I started to get ready to run some errands. took of my pajama pants to put my jeans on – only to put my pajama pants right back on! I actually had to laugh at myself. It is absolutely crazy what babies do to a normally intelligent and sane persons mind.
I call that the re-dress. It happened so many times that I now just live in sweatpants so they transition from sleep to public. I’ve learned to pick my battles – with my brain, that is.
Mom brain is real! I really have these moments almost every morning I work from the office (3x a week). It’s just a constant rush and stressor.
I think stress is a HUGE factor in this!
I’ve totally embraced the chaos that is being a mom. This is me now, not perfect and not apologizing. I will forget things, I will mess up, there will be a mess at my house…so I love when other moms tell the truth, too!
Right! And chaos is the perfect description for this line of work. 🙂
Now that I am a mom, I feel bad for every time I thought a mom was flaky. Mom brain is so real. I have tricks to help me not be such a flake but I also just have to embrace it and laugh.
Everyone in our house has started to come to terms with it. Even my 4 year old will shake his head while telling people that “Mommy forgets a lot”. The people who have known me forever think it’s a joke, because I used to be so on top of everything. They get it soon enough. 🙂
OMG I have had these days… I would forget my head if it wasn’t attached.
Before I had kids, I would hear moms talk about it and think they must have newborns and aren’t getting enough sleep. I had no idea that this is apparently going to be a permanent condition!
I definitely think mom brain is real! I also believe in pregnancy brain. Right now, I have them both simultaneously! My husband will ask me to remind him to do something and I just laugh. As if I could remember anything myself!
It definitely got worse each time I was pregnant! By now my husband and I both laugh when he tells me to remind him of something.
great read! loved all of the humor in it too! the other day I totally did the whole “where is my phone?” thing when I was actually talking on it…lol Mom brain is real.
I lose so much stuff that is actually right there! Sunglasses, purse, drink. I’ve even panicked, looking around quickly for whoever the toddler is at the time – with them in my arms!