Not to brag, but I disappoint my kids ALL the time. So how much am I really harming them? Am I, in fact, helping them? Will my kids be more resilient?Â
How many of you have heard time and again how resilient kids are? It really is supposed to be true. So then why the whining and crying about every little thing that doesn’t go their way? This is not something we plan on having continue in our household for the next couple of decades until they’ve all (maybe) moved out. Sure, the subject matter at the root of the complaining will change as they age. They also will probably hopefully have learned to handle themselves better, and not act like a shitass because they think you’re making them that PB&J (they are the only person in the world, right?) and you should know it was just decided that they no longer like peanut butter. It’s a horrible situation, because my schmoopie that was just giving me wonderful hugs a minute ago is now wailing and stomping. It makes it hard to tell if it’s about the sandwich, or if they’re upset I just told them they have to move out of the house if they don’t like peanut butter – that’s just flippin ridiculous, and I don’t think I can ever look at them the same. But, minutes later, after we’ve both calmed down (I’m always amazed at how quickly I can unpack the hobo bag I just threw together for them), it’s like nothing ever happened. That’s where the resiliency comes in.
Building Foundational Scars
If you’ve gotten the idea so far from previous posts, like Our Family Suck-It Bucket or Teaching Empathy to Kids, about our parenting style in this house, a lot of what we concentrate on is setting them up to be decent human beings, who are contributors to society. We just go about it a little differently/psychotically (tomato/tomahtah) than others might. Here’s where the foundational scars come in. And it started with the concept of resiliency.
They can get over a toy that their brother took away, or a cookie that dropped on the floor, fairly quickly. I said they could. Not me. What a waste of cookie. But, by the next day, or even minute, they will have forgotten what happened. Resiliency is not how they deal with something, or how quickly they forget. It’s how they bounce back. So what about when it’s not about a toy, but about some little whore that broke my boy’s heart? What if their best friend all through elementary and middle school moves away, right before they could tackle high school together? What if they don’t get into the college they’ve been dreaming about? They must be prepared to handle these situations. So, here’s what we do.
My kids will be more resilient!?
We tell them “no”. Crazy, huh? That’s really a stretch for a lot of parents these days. But we say it. With gusto. We’ve been known to say no to toys. We’ve said no to playdates, outings, iPads, and more. With the holidays approaching, I’m considering getting a pin made that has “NO!” in big,red Impact font. It’ll save my voice because I’ll just point to it a thousand times a day. As all of our 4 kids are still in the center-of-the-universe age range, with each “no” we are still greeted with a defeated look, total disbelief, most of the time. Awww. And sometimes we even get the pouty lip. Foundational scars. Let them suffer the wounds of disappointment at home with the people they feel safest with. We’re building up scar tissue. This is Not to excuse, of course, any major emotional scarring that a parent might do that a child never, ever recovers from. I won’t give a pass on that guilt, or condone in any way. But, the smaller stuff is okay. They will have heard the word “no”, so it won’t come as a HUGE SHOCK the first time they don’t get the job they applied for, Being able to bounce back from these little things will leave them more equipped to handle the bigger things. Like the little slut breaking his heart. Don’t worry about that one, though, honey. Mommy’s got a plan to deal with that.
I’d love to hear your input on how you deal with some of these parenting situations, or if you don’t have kids, what you’ve witnessed from others. Maybe your parents were the most awesome, or the most hated, and you’d love to tell us! Oh, and if there’s a topic you’d like me to tackle soon, let me know!
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My kids are older now and if I did nothing else right, I taught them the key to their happiness is low expectations. Yay me. Healthy, intermittent disappointment, “no’s” along the way just cuz life’s not fair and I don’t wanna. I’m the boss cuz last I checked, ya ain’t payin’ the bills around here. When you have all the responsibility, you will have the freedom and right to call all the shots as well as own the consequences when ya screw up. This is not to say that on most occasions, it was necessary to help them understand why the answer was no and respond to their dismay when the reason was of no value or significance to them. We have got to condition our children to a world that will not be fair, a world where doing the right thing may not always have any obvious advantages except (in your heart) being the bigger person, a world that says “No, because I said so” sometimes, and lastly a world that might say no time and time again but it does not mean you ever stop working very hard for that “yes”. As the children got older, (elementary moving into middle school) I was able to take opportunities to allow negotiating on their part. Sometimes, they were able to make their point or make it worth my while and I would change my mind. At this age, they were old enough to understand (without compromising my authority) that sometimes a “no” can be negotiated into a “yes” and sometimes it can’t! It’s all been exhausting (trying not to screw them up). I’m almost done (practically disappointing them daily so they’re pleasantly surprised what this cruel world has to offer)!
Mine are too young to see any benefits now, but I’m confident when they get older they will thank me for preparing them for this world that can be a little harsh. They’ll even throw me a parade and bring me flowers every day. Actually, that may be a little? far-fetched. It doesn’t matter, though. I will know I’ve given them a better leg to stand on by being a mean ole mommy. It sounds like you’ve been doing a bang-up job of scarring your kids,too!
It runs in the family?
I try my best to not allow the children to get their hopes up of what may be but I also teach them to go strong do all they can and not stop. It is something that you want you have to work for it. We celebrate moments of great times and hug out times where it could have been better
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Yes! Nothing wrong with preparing them that things may not go their way, while still encouraging them to go get what they want.
Great advice! We tell our kids no a lot too, but I sometimes feel guilty. Disappointment is tough even for an adult.
So true! We’re hoping it’ll be a little less tough if it’s not completely new to them. My parents were very real about life, the good and bad. I now am an adult who just shrugs my shoulders a lot instead of freaking out. 🙂 Oh, and the guilt is going to happen no matter what we do!
I tell me kids no constantly. I have a 10 months old who smacks me in the face and a rebellious toddler that’s 2. Right now it’s just a vicious cycle.
My youngest who’s 2 is the most “2” I’ve ever seen! Rebellious and a hitter, which I’ve never had before in the other 3. He hears “no” all day long. I feel your pain! 🙂
Love this! The whining drives me completely insane, but I don’t let it sway me when it comes to saying no. I can’t imaging the monsters that they’d become if we said yes all the time 😉
I know! They always feel the need to give it a little try. When they get to the whiny please,please my husband and I both respond with the same answer – “Did you just meet me?” It also makes it so much more fun to tell them yes when they haven’t driven me crazy in a while!
My 5 year old is a master negotiator! I say no and she’s able to whittle down her pleas to something more reasonable. It’s an amazing gift, but one I’ve realized is getting out of hand. “No means no” is important for them to understand, too.
Ha! One of ours will say what he wants in a questioning voice kind of low so you have to repeat it back to him, which he takes as permission. As a 4 yrs old, not too bad. As a teenager, we’d be in trouble! We tell them no for their sake and ours!
My 5 year olds first word was No. I have no problem using it in our house and always will. We live on a budget and even if we didn’t she still wouldn’t get everything.
That’s what we tell our kids! Even if we had a ton of money doesn’t mean we’re going to give you everything you want.