My Kid is an A**hole – and I Blame Preschool

I hope you’re not offended that I’m calling my child an a**hole. Actually, I worded that wrong. I’m sure half of you will be offended, and the other half will be saying, “Mine, too!” If you’re in the first group, I’m so happy for you that you have perfect angels. Or you’re a better mom than me and don’t refer to your kids with profanity. Whichever. My point is, if you’re offended, then this post isn’t for you. It may get worse. Why? Because kids can be a**holes. Call ’em like I see ’em.

But, why would I blame this on preschool? Obviously I’m lacking in some of the finer parental qualities (like not calling your kids curse words), so it should be a no-brainer that this one is on me. Nope. It’s preschool.

I’d like to point out here that this really IS meant to be just a funny way of looking at things. I can’t even explain how much I have loved my kids’ preschool teachers!!

We all know they have to go. They’ll never make it to, and through, college without pre-k. What happened to starting kindergarten when they’re 5, maybe 4 if “they’re ready”? Ready meant you could draw a picture of yourself and you looked happy in it. That was my test 40 yrs ago. Now, my son who just turned 5, is being homeschooled preschool for the second year in a row because I know he’s not the “new” ready. My 3-year-old has just started in our district program, because of his speech delay, yet they also seemed concerned at his evaluation (while he was still 2) of all the things he didn’t know. Actually, he did know most, he just wasn’t in the mood. Because he was TWO!

So now we have these kids with all this pressure on them to be able to quantify a digraph (that may actually be a thing? Probably not) before kindergarten, or they will be huge failures. Understand that I am a huge supporter of education, in the home and at school. But has moving up the timeline of when they HAVE to know all of the positional words and what they mean produced the smartest country yet? Or do we just have more kids at a younger age totally depressed?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

Off-track. But, not really, because that pressure thing totally comes into play when it comes to my adorable, lovable child being a dick.

So let’s imagine 3 and 4-year-olds being the ticking time bombs that they are. Let’s add in some learning through play. Which is as it should be. It’s all good – they won’t realize until kindergarten that they were actually expected to retain all of that and be ready to compose symphonies using only R’s (pretty sure that one is NOT actually a thing).

IN SUCH A HOSTILE, DISRESPECTFUL ENVIRONMENT!

Too far? Okay, I hear ya. But let me break down a few of the specific ways that I believe preschool has turned my child(ren) into $%#!heads.

Hello, Sammy, how are you today?
Hello, Ms. Susie.

NO,NO,NO! When did this happen? I about crapped myself when I heard that my firstborn was to call his first teacher by her first name. Respect and manners. That’s the start of “schooling” in our house. You don’t use an adult’s first name unless it has aunt or uncle in front of it. Now I have to explain to my kid that the rule still stands, but I guess we’ll have to make an exception for every teacher and coach who insists. Fine, keep undoing my work. I don’t mind at all, and my child is in no way questioning my authority now.  🙄 My mom always told my friends that they could call her Mrs. Wilson, or Mom, and most ended up using the latter. I was raised believing you should not be on a first-name basis with your elders. When a friend’s mom asked me to call her Paula, I declined. If I’m at your house, you’re in charge. I will show you that respect. We are not friends.

SPEAKING OF FRIENDS…….

Just because you place 10-20 kids in a room together does not make them friends. Please stop referring to them as such. I know, it sounds nicer than “classmates”. But it’s also a little less confusing when my kid has to explain that their friend at school was mean every day and they didn’t like them at all. Hmmm. So let me just start all over explaining how they may not get along with everyone they meet, but they do have to be nice, and I will never force them to be friends with someone they honestly don’t like. Just like I won’t force them to give hugs. Now they’re super frustrated because they have to refer to some little a**hole as their friend. Or they’re told they have to…

SHARE WITH THEIR FRIEND

Just no. So some punk makes fun of my kid because he doesn’t play Poke´landercraft, or some other stupid preschool level argument, then sits down next to him on a play mat, and my child is forced to hand over half of a puzzle? What the &*^%?? How about our rules? You don’t have to share (unless it’s their toy – then it’s up to them), but it would be a very nice thing to do, and make us very proud. 9 times out of 10 they say “sure” with a smile. Except now. Now that they’re being forced to at school, screw it at home. Let’s commence with being selfish pricks. Yes, we’ve already established I’m not winning any mom awards here. But really, it’s okay if they send them home angry. After all, they’re kinda teaching them prison yard tactics anyway,

INTRODUCING THEM TO A SHANK

At 4 years old, not so bad. My kids have started practicing with their safety scissors at this age. For the littlest guy? Hell no! We keep them up, up and away, and he knows he can’t mess with them, so he doesn’t try. Except now he’s in preschool, and has been given a weapon. He thinks he knows what he’s doing, too, so telling him no, he’s too little, has been proven otherwise. My 3-year-old is now loose with a shiv.

Which is exactly what you want the little tot to have when Ms. Susie has just told him he has to share with his “friends”.

Thanks, preschool. Now my kid’s an a**hole.

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