A Toddler’s Secret TO DO List

Do you have any experience with toddlers? Maybe you have one of your own, or have even been blessed with many in your lifetime. It’s looked like a toddler factory crapped itself up in this house for the past 8 years running. That is, if I can remember what age group a toddler falls into. Maybe it’s not age and the fact that they toddle? I don’t even know what that is, but if it’s what I’m picturing in my head, then I toddle. Or maybe that’s waddle. Anyway, I had a million kids right in a row, so my experience in the agenda of a 2 yr old is pretty spot on. A lot of the things here you will recognize, even if your only experience with the little demons is the snotty kid in the Walmart cart. If you are a new mom, you’ll want to take notes. This will be very helpful as you try to plan a 2 yr old’s daily schedule. Also for the new moms:

Don’t be scared of the impending “Terrible Twos”.
It is only difficult if you prefer order and don’t own a fire extinguisher. Some kids will be easy-breezy. And some will be Viggo.

Miley Cyrus even did a song about him before he was born. “I came in like a wrecking ball…..” I think she had a sixth sense about what was coming. Which would be the only sense that little hussy has. Did you know if you call people names that only those in their 100s would say you get a free pass? True story.

I better get back to this to-do list, because I know some of you are here to figure out what you need to consider when making your 2 yr old’s daily schedule. And some of you want to be reminded of what you lived through, so you can pat yourself on the back. Or maybe, just maybe, you want an explanation for why your best friend constantly looks like she just saw a horrific car accident. So, I found Viggo’s list, and am sharing it in hopes of being your super helpful friend right now.

*Get out a pen and paper, or feel free to print this post out. That way you can reference it when needed, or if you don’t have a toddler, wave it in your friend’s face who does while saying “Na-Na Boo-Boo”.

• Baby stretches to prepare for the day – Lift leg up on the crib rail like it’s a ballet barre. This will prepare me for the day, and it will freak Mommy out that it looks like I’m trying to escape and she got here just in time.
• Take bib off more often at meal time – Tried for 7 each yesterday and Mommy didn’t seem to go quite bat-shit crazy enough. I love that, and she wants me to be happy.
• Make a paste – Doesn’t matter which meal, just be sure to mix any drink and carb to form a fixative that Mommy can’t wipe off of my hands.
• Window art – I guess I’m not getting it quite right. Tried sticky fingers and making out with the glass, but Mommy keeps cleaning it off. Try harder. More tongue, perhaps?
•  Find a spoon and throw it
• Be more diligent – I think Mommy went to the bathroom by herself once yesterday
• Practice cuss words – I’m pretty sure she still thinks this is just unintelligible babble, but I gotta work harder on this one if I’m going to make Mommy proud. I think she may be a professional!
• Find the scissors – and not the stupid baby ones. I think Mommy hid the pretty shiny ones after finding them suspiciously hiding in my toy bin. I need to finish cutting up her favorite sweatshirt before she notices. She loves surprises!
• Finish Mural – that will be another surprise ruined if Mommy finds the masterpiece I started behind the chair before it’s complete.
• Catch up on some of this: 
• Throw some of my lunch on floor – Mommy always says, “Thanks a lot!” as she’s picking it up, so I don’t want to disappoint.
• Ask for more milk – so I can pour one out for my homies
• See if peanut butter in my ears will block Mommy’s yelling
• Dance – no music needed. Mommy finds my lack of rhythm “F@#%ing ADORABLE!” – as I heard her tell Daddy.
• Make outlet covers my bitch
• Use Mommy as a kleenex
• Fall on the dog – I’m pretty sure she loves that, and it always makes Mommy run right over!
• Stick finger in poopy diaper – how else will Mommy know it’s in there unless I show it to her? Removing diaper will also work.
• Continue stretches during diaper change – here’s where it seems to make the most sense to work my obliques by doing twists.
• Call China
• Start increasing the amount of random hugs – the later in the day (or closer to nap time), the more Mommy starts to look stressed out.
• Streak
• Floor roll – If we go anywhere public, practice my interpretive dance in the highest traffic areas.  
• Test out vaccines – this one should also be done in public
• Brush own teeth before bed – with lotion. Mommy usually looks a little tired by now, so I’ll help out. The toothpaste tastes better, but I found out the medicine cabinet is too far for me to reach from the toilet.
• Practice swimming – if I can’t slip out of Mommy’s hands in the tub, try to splash enough water out of sink or toilet to get some good depth on the floor.
• Extra, EXTRA hugs and cuddles at bedtime. Mommy seems to enjoy it, and I get a few more minutes to scope the place before planning tomorrow’s list.
• Sing a little – I know I’m supposed to be quiet and go to sleep, but I need the practice. I’m a little pitchy.
• Get some good, energizing sleep – I’ll need it for tomorrow, because these people wear me out!
• 2am – blood curdling scream
• And tomorrow Rinse and Repeat
  
  
  

  
  You see, it’s really quite simple. Plan a 2 yr old’s daily schedule around the things they have on their To Do list, and your day will run perfectly smooth. But, back-up is always helpful. Preferably armed. With baby wipes, band aids, a roll of paper towels, a tool box, a hazmat suit……If you didn’t feel this was the most useful advice, I do have some really good tips on dealing with kids’ nightmares HERE. Oh, and if I missed anything, be sure to let me know in the comments!

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